The Life and Times of a Holister Douche

Mar
9th

Mon

There are few things I believe in:

Money

Shoes

The All Healing Power of ARIZONA ICED TEA

And above all: LOVE.

I want nothing more than to fall into your arms and just be with you. I want to kiss you. I want to look into those big, beautiful blues and tell you I love you. I need to see your gorgeous smile. You know the one that makes my heart melt.You make me so unbelievably happy. I didn’t think I could be this happy with someone. You make everyday so beautiful. You put up with me, you hold me, you spend your time with me, you love me… in your own way you take care of me. I’ve never had that. Joshua, you are my toes. =]

But there is something about my current situation that is making my heart unsync with my brain. Something that says “lets not get our ass handed to us again.”

I feel lost. I feel Helpless. After last night, I feel let down. its always so up and down. Is he staying, is he leaving. I’m not so sure anymore.

I get suuuuper tired of some feelings really fast.
like this one that i’ve got right now.
this one that makes me feel really good
——-but incredibly shitty at the same time.
I cant stop thinking about it.
i just know that if i give in an voice this shit, its going to blow up in my face and it’ll be this never ending chain of explosions that will ulitmatly end in the the universe ceasing to exist.
or something to that extent.

Andddddd
then if i somehow worked up the courage and put aside my
enormous ego and pride
and just spoke the damned words….
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

worlds collide and my life comes to a
            screeching, smoking, soul crushing halt.

or something amazing could happen.

But i can just taste the dysfunction that would accompany.
              but then again… things would be interesting.
i guess its true what he says:

Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

I guess i just need a push…
                                                                    anyone?

Ive been watching far too many dramas,
             it cant be good for anyones health,
                       because i cant help but wonder what this would be like if it were just a movie.

itd be one of those::

“they’re in love.. but its suicide and they both know it. can they truly keep it together? a story of love and loss… and the only thing worth fighting for.(deep anouncerman voice)”

something. but you know what i hate about all those
                                   ooshy-gooshy chick flicky movies?
they all end so happy.
i mean… they love, they loose, and they they still care…. who does that?
we could do that.

and i guess thats just me being dramatic and hopeful. and so is this

“Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox: There are times when I put myself into situ…
Carla: Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences. Dr. Cox: That’s almost exactly what I was going to say.

god that is my problem. i can say shit and do shit and
NOT EVEN THINK about the possible repercussions.
i dont want to fuck this up further.

why does Scrubs always know how i feel? thank you sitcoms.

Heres to:
maipulation, double bookings, and “sex in the city” episodes
Heres to:
caring too much, wanting too little, and resolutions
Heres to:
throwing it to the wind, placing cards on the table, and throwing your hands up
Heres to:
unrequited reality

I think hes giving me my last shot.